


All I Want For Christmas

by molybdomantic



Category: BIRDLAND (Interactive Fiction)
Genre: Christmas, F/F, Gen, Misses Clause Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 09:06:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8885059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/molybdomantic/pseuds/molybdomantic
Summary: The Birds are back!





	1. Tinsel and Surprises ~ Your Apartment

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sineala](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sineala/gifts).



**Several years later.**  
**December 24th, Evening. Your living room.**

_(It is late on Christmas Eve and you are putting the finishing touches to the decorations in the apartment you share with Bell. Bell is distributing holly sprigs while you drape tinsel over everything that doesn't move out of the way fast enough. As you work, she is describing her latest case to you.)_

BELL: ...and that's how I knew the stolen diamonds had to be behind the clock face.

YOU: Wow, and did you also catch the rubber duck magnate?

BELL: He skipped the country before we could get him. But he does now carry an indelible paw-print on his forehead, so if he tries to come back they'll have no problems stopping him at the border.

_(The conversation lapses for a while as you both busy yourselves with decorating. Summer camp many years ago somehow managed to instil a love of "nature stuff" into you, resulting in a degree in zoology, a job at a natural history museum, and a large collection of animal knick-knacks. You drape tinsel over a plush alligator, thoughtfully.)_

YOU: Bell, don't you find that your detective training makes Christmas presents less exciting?

BELL: Because I can usually guess what you've got me?

YOU: Exactly. I've had enough detective practice to guess part of the time, and it really takes some of the magic away.

BELL: I have enough surprises in my life, I'm quite happy with a little certainty now and then. It's a relaxing change.

YOU: Still, I can't help wishing for a proper surprise every once in a while.

_(Bell waits until you are occupied with hanging tiny polar bear ornaments on the tree and suddenly showers you with glitter stars.)_

YOU: I totally anticipated that!


	2. Job Title: Spirit of Christmas Past ~ ????

**That night...**

_(You dream you are with Bell in a wintery scene full of cheerily glowing houses, and jolly, boisterous bird urchins throwing snowballs. A tattily-clothed bird miser scrutinizes you closely as you stroll through the town.)_

MISER: State your job title.

YOU: Christmas card resident?

BELL: Is none of this ringing a bell? Cheery Victorian urchins? Excessively kitschy Christmas scene? Never read any Charles Dickens?

YOU: Er...

BELL: Spirit of Christmas Past.

MISER: And what is the function of a Spirit of Christmas Past?

BELL: To make you regret your life choices.

YOU: To demonstrate the error of your non-Christmassy ways.

MISER: The purpose of a Spirit of Christmas Past is to identify poor Christmas-related decisions?

YOU: Yup, that's basically how these stories work.

MISER: Very well. Demonstrate the behaviour of a ghostly Spirit of Christmas Past.

_(You drift ghostily in the direction of a particularly inviting-looking house. Sounds of music and jollity escape through the door.)_

YOU: Lo!

MISER: To which article do you wish me to direct my attention?

YOU: Here we see a room full of people enjoying themselves.

_(A collection of gaily-dressed party guests whirls and turns about the room, dancing to a jolly violin melody. The room is decorated with an abundance of greenery, ribbons, and bells.)_

MISER: This seems unnecessarily frivolous.

YOU: Christmas is a time when frivolity is permitted, or even encouraged.

MISER: To what end?

YOU: Increased enjoyment.

MISER: But do you not find that this leads to suboptimal work performance?

YOU: Nah, everyone has the day off anyway.

_(At a signal from the host, the music reaches a close. A flurry of cooks issues from the kitchen, carrying roast goose and boiled ham, and soon the tables are groaning under the weight of food. Everyone tucks in with gusto.)_

MISER: Is this not an excessive quantity of nourishment for the number of diners present?

YOU: See, that's another tradition; we all eat a lot and feel slightly ill afterwards.

MISER: I do not see how this leads to increased happiness.

YOU: It's a human thing, you wouldn't understand.

MISER: I see. Thank you for this demonstration, have a pleasant morning.

* * *

_(You wake up feeling a bit different than you did yesterday.)_

**Your FESTIVITY is now Very Heightened.**  
**Your CHARITY is now Normal.**  
**Your HUNGER is now Heightened.**  
**Your EXASPERATION is now Heightened.**

**The quality of your dreams will affect your waking mood.**


	3. Sleep Interlude 1 ~ Your Apartment

**December 24th, Night. Your bedroom.**

_(You sit bolt upright in bed with a yell, waking up Bell.)_

BELL: Wha?

YOU: I just had the weirdest bird dream.

BELL: _(sleepily)_ Didn't you get over those years ago?

YOU: I haven't had one in years.

BELL: It's probably just a flashback. Was it one you'd had before?

YOU: No, this time it was a miser being grumpy about Christmas.

BELL: Try to get back to sleep, we have a busy day of Christmassing ahead of us tomorrow.

YOU: Mm, you're probably right.

_(You snuggle up under the covers and doze off again.)_


	4. Job Title: Ghost of Christmas Present ~ ????

**That night...**

_(You dream you are with Bell in a chilly room, "warmed" by a single coal in the fireplace. Sounds of merriment come from outside, but this room is decidedly un-merry. The same bird miser scrutinizes you closely as your eyes adjust to the gloom.)_

MISER: State your job title.

YOU: _(confidently)_ Spirit of Christmas Present.

MISER: And what is the function of a Spirit of Christmas Present?

BELL: To warn you of the perils of not being festive.

YOU: Ooh, spooky.

BELL: I've been taking ominousness lessons, it's a useful skill for creeping out guilty wrongdoers.

YOU: Remind me not to steal your Oreos again.

MISER: The purpose of a Spirit of Christmas Present is to provide Christmas hazard warnings?

YOU: And to show you how much nicer it is to join in.

MISER: Very well. Demonstrate the behaviour of a ghostly Spirit of Christmas Present.

_(You open an attic window and climb out onto the roof. Waiting for you is a sleigh pulled by nine reindeer, one of which has a bright red nose. You check that the gifts in the back of the sleigh are all stowed safely before taking up the reins.)_

YOU: Come, my dears, time we were away!

_(You snap the reins to encourage the reindeer into the air, and the sleigh lifts smoothly off from the roof. You glide calmly through the air accompanied by the sound of many tiny bells.)_

MISER: The beings attached to this conveyance lack wing structures and even basic airworthiness. I would assess them as inferior to birds in all respects. Yet they appear capable of flight. How is this achieved?

YOU: It's a Christmas miracle!

MISER: This is an unsatisfactory explanation.

_(You spot your next stop up ahead and guide the sleigh to a soft landing. Bell passes you a small sack full of presents, and you make your way over to the chimney.)_

MISER: What is the purpose of this halt in our journey?

YOU: We're here to deliver presents to the children that live in this house, to bring them joy and happiness.

MISER: And how do you intend to obtain access to this dwelling?

YOU: Like this. _(You jump into the chimney pot.)_ Geronimo!

_(You land gracefully in a well-kept fireplace, and survey the room you find yourself in. It is a neat and spacious living room with a beautiful Christmas tree in one corner. A tray of milk and cookies sits on a small table, and you nibble on a cookie while you wait for the miser to join you. After a short while, a series of increasingly loud clanging noises heralds the arrival of the miser.)_

YOU: Not bad for a first attempt.

MISER: What is the advantage of this mode of entrance?

YOU: It allows us to sneak into the house without waking anyone. Usually, anyway.

MISER: Let us proceed with present delivery.

_(You proceed with present delivery. As you place the final present under the tree, you turn to find a small human child gawping at you.)_

HUMAN CHILD: Wow, are you Santa Claus?

YOU: Ho ho ho! I'm Santa Claus' helper, come to bring you presents and good cheer.

HUMAN CHILD: Why do you have a bird? Is it a pet?

MISER: My presence in this location is strictly for educational purposes.

YOU: The bird is learning the ins and outs of gift-giving.

HUMAN CHILD: Do you have a gift for me?

MISER: This is outside my capabilities at this point in time.

YOU: Go back to sleep, little one, your presents will be ready in the morning. And don't mention us to your parents!

HUMAN CHILD: They wouldn't believe me anyway.

* * *

_(You wake up feeling a bit different than you did yesterday.)_

**Your FESTIVITY is now Very Heightened.**  
**Your CHARITY is now Normal.**  
**Your HUNGER is now Heightened.**  
**Your EXASPERATION is now Heightened.**


	5. Sleep Interlude 2 ~ Your Apartment

**December 24th, Night. Your bedroom.**

_(You wake up again and gently shake Bell's shoulder.)_

YOU: It happened again!

BELL: Who did you see this time?

YOU: It was the miser again.

BELL: And what were you demonstrating?

YOU: How nice it is to give people presents.

BELL: Do you think the message got through?

YOU: You never know with the birds.

_(Bell drapes an arm over you and you drift back to sleep.)_


	6. Job Title: Spirit of Christmas Yet to Come ~ ????

_(You find yourself in a large room containing a long and particularly drab dining table.)_

MISER: State your job title.

YOU: Spirit of Christmas Yet to Come.

MISER: And what is the function of a Spirit of Christmas Yet to Come?

BELL: To show you the dire and lasting consequences of refusing to join in!

YOU: Maybe dial back the ominousness a **little**? After all, it's Christmas, not Hallowe'en.

BELL: Sorry. It's easy to get carried away. 

YOU: To show you what you're missing.

MISER: The purpose of a Spirit of Christmas Yet to Come is to locate missing items?

YOU: Yes, like your festivity and sense of goodwill?

MISER: Very well. Demonstrate the behaviour of a Spirit of Christmas Yet to Come.

_(A dozen birds sit around the table. They all wear identical grey suits and are studiously ignoring each other. In the middle of the table is a large bowl of grubs and another of bird seed. Both are untouched, despite each bird having a plate in front of them.)_

BELL: Wow, you really are determined to have a miserable time, aren't you?

_(One of the birds slumps forward onto the table, and another begins crying. All the other birds continue ignoring them.)_

MISER: If the situation is to be made merrier then we require a human to demonstrate appropriately festive behaviour.

YOU: ...Okay. Where do we start? You've not really got any of this right. 

BELL: Maybe we should cheer up the atmosphere a bit. Party hats?

MISER: What is the purpose of this head decoration?

BELL: Colour, cheeriness, and stylishness.

MISER: This seems an unusual number of functions for a single hat to bear.

YOU: Also if you eat something you will probably all be less grumpy.

_(The birds taste the food rather suspiciously but soon relax and start taking larger portions. Meanwhile Bell has found a CD of Christmas hits and a CD player.)_

MISER: What is our next course of action?

YOU: Now you give each other presents.

CELEBRANT #1: But I already have all the objects I require. Further objects would be superfluous.

CELEBRANT #2: And I have a need for all of my objects, and do not wish to relinquish any of them.

CELEBRANT #1: Perhaps then you should keep your object and I will not request it of you.

YOU: You're supposed to buy your gifts specially, and tailor them to the desires of your recipient.

CELEBRANT #1: Perhaps then I will offer you these spiced seeds which I have just purchased?

CELEBRANT #2: That would be most agreeable to me. Here also are spiced seeds for you.

CELEBRANT #1: I thank you also.

* * *

_(You wake up feeling a bit different than you did yesterday.)_

**Your FESTIVITY is now Very Heightened.**  
**Your CHARITY is now Normal.**  
**Your HUNGER is now Heightened.**  
**Your EXASPERATION is now Heightened.**


	7. Christmas Morning ~ Your Apartment

**December 25th, Morning. Your bedroom.**

_(Despite all the dreams, you wake up early, feeling refreshed and excited, and bounce out of bed to greet Christmas morning. Bell groans and pulls the duvet over her head, but joins you by the tree before long. She brings a couple of mugs of coffee, which smells wonderful, and looks attractively rumpled and cosy. You exchange a coffee for a kiss.)_

YOU: Time for presents?

BELL: _(smiling solicitously)_ Ready whenever you are.

_(You exchange presents, and gasp and giggle over presents that relatives and friends have sent. Your Aunt Flo has sent a delightful clockwork beehive ornament which you immediately give pride of place on the mantelpiece. Bell's friend and occasional co-detective Zhang MacArthur has sent a fascinating monograph on the shapes of sea-shells, which you're both looking forward to reading. Bell is delighted with her new fingerprinting kit and gifts you with a stunning dress which fits perfectly. As you reach the bottom of the pile of presents under the tree, you find one that neither of you recognises. It's a small cuboid, wrapped in green paper with robins on it.)_

BELL: Well, you wanted a surprise. Let's apply our detective experience. Describe it to me, in detail.

YOU: Um, well, it's a box about 3 inches square and 5 inches tall, wrapped rather messily in green paper with weird-looking robins on it.

BELL: Weird how? Be specific. Are they European robins? Are they cartoon robins? Are they skateboarding? Are they performing tricks?

YOU: I feel like they're scrutinising me, somehow.

BELL: Hmmmm.

_(You rattle the parcel. It jingles nondescriptly. You shrug.)_

YOU: Shall I open it?

BELL: Yes but... analytically.

YOU: Okay. I'm approaching the parcel from the dorsal surface. I'm carefully lifting the paper and peering at the box inside. It looks ordinary, just a regular brown cardboard box. I'm opening the box lid.

_(You pull out the contents of the box and gape in surprise. It's a small bird angel, perfectly sized to fit the top of your Christmas tree.)_

BELL: Did the birds just get us a Christmas present?

YOU: It looks that way. It's an unusual addition to my animal collection, anyway!

BELL: Well, it appears the demonstration is over!

**Author's Note:**

> With apologies to Charles Dickens.
> 
> Thanks to beta readers Jacob and Ben!


End file.
